Stiffen The Sinews

2012-01-24T16:21:00.002-07:00

Dear God,

I am sorry that I have been so angry towards you.
I know that there are people out there who are suffering like me,
And I know that my earthly destiny is to comfort them-
To bring healing and support and love.
I will rise above my illness, and teach the hurting how to rise above theirs.
I am fearful, but I will trust and believe in you, and not in my illness.
Let me not be subject to my illness,
(I don't want to waste any more time ruminating on irrational things.)
Lead me moment by moment.
Reveal yourself to me. (I just want to know the real you.)

In Christ's Name,

Amen.

2012-01-17T18:30:00.002-07:00

2 realizations today:

What I think about- I hallucinate about. I have beliefs that are causing me a lot of pain. The only way to be released from it is to change what I believe.

If God cannot look upon sin because he is holy, am I cutting myself off from his presence by engaging in sin? (This occured to me while I was listening to a song that had cussing.)

Lastly, I am meditating in 2 ways- through mindfulness, and through prayer. I really believe Satan has a stronghold in my mind about experiencing telepathy. I will not ever stop praying until I'm released.

(As you may know, I returned to God... But more than that- I am seeking the 'relationship' that Christian's often talk about. I am trying to do all that is right before God- and I am seeking him in prayer very much. I want to meet him... not just have knowledge about him. As he reveals himself [if he does at all] I will decribe it hear in this journal. If it can be real for me, than it can be real for you.)

2012-01-16T17:31:00.004-07:00

My fears are delusions.
My paranoia leads to the fears.
Seing things out of order make me paranoid.

I know who I am. I know what I am. I know where I'm going. I know what I want to accomplish.

I am starting college in a few days. I am going to get an Associates of Arts. A Bachelors in Psychology. A Master of Science in Addiction Counseling.

I will help others rise above their pain-

...But first, I have to rise above mine!

2012-01-16T13:12:00.002-07:00

Instead of peace, I have stress. Anxiety.

Instead of courage, I battle fear.

Instead of love, I have a void.

Instead of being full in the Spirit, I am empty.

Instead of strength, I am weak.

Instead of long-suffering, I am angry.

I am burned out, and disappointed with God.

2012-01-11T18:24:00.002-07:00

I fear what I fear because what I fear I would never do. So, through my fear, I am protecting myself from doing something wrong.

Now the fear doesn't seem so bad...

2012-01-08T20:42:00.001-07:00

Since December I have been very depressed. For the past two weeks I have cried every day. The more life goes on, the harder it gets.

2012-01-07T15:06:00.003-07:00

I'd like to explain in more detail what my every day life is like.

Yesterday, I went to the mall with Matthew. I prayed to God, "Please let people see the good in me." Then two young men walked by and I saw and heard one of them say, "She's good!"

Later, we were sitting at the bus stop and I heard a girl talking on the phone say my first name, and then a couple minutes later my last name. Matthew was listening to her entire conversation and told me that she never said my name.

Today my sister texted me and told me she's getting her hair dyed and layerd, (she has really long hair) and I heard a voice say "Shut your face!" That is a jokingly phrase my sister sometimes says.

If I think I look pretty that day, I hear people saying things about my beauty.

If I play the guitar I hear voices talking about what I'm playing, how they love this song, etc.

Wherever I go I hallucinate and hear other people speak things that involve what I'm thinking about.

It's really hard to deal with...

2012-01-06T22:57:00.003-07:00

I am angry. For the past month I've been angry. I'm so sick of the abuse I am enduring- whether it is psychotic or supernatural. I am dying inside! God does not always protect you- at least that has been what's true for my exeperience. He let HORRIBLE things happen to me- and he still is letting it happen! I despise my life. Obviously I don't deserve a decent life- I have to go through HELL every DAMN day! I am SCREAMING on the inside!

Why God!? You are supposed to love me, and protect me, and you have abandoned me. I'm so hurt.. So, so hurt. You've broken my heart. You didn't protect me... I might as well be dead. I'm in so much pain... I don't know what to do anymore... No matter how hard I try to show the world the real me... I get beaten down as if I'm something wrong. I never deserved this. You have let my life be ruined- and I cling to you because you're supposed to save me. But you haven't... and I don't have much trust in you anymore.

2012-01-05T20:49:00.004-07:00

Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me
into madness

Dont turn away
(Don't give into the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though their screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep Never die)

I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears

Fallen angels at my feet
Whispered voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear...

Servatis a periculum [save us from danger]
Servatis a maleficum [save us from evil]

-Evanescence

2012-01-05T18:30:00.003-07:00

Longsuffering and patience can be developed towards other people when you understand that as a Christian, we are in a spiritual war- and it's with the darkness, not humanity.

Ephesians 6:12

For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood, [contending only with physical opponents], but against the despotisms (absolute power or control), against the powers, against [the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere.

2012-01-05T00:05:00.003-07:00

I have discovered... (Or it was never obvious until now) that the best response to a hallucination (or whatever it may be) is not to respond at all.

2012-01-04T23:31:00.001-07:00

In order to be godly, you have to know God.

How can we be like somebody we don't know?

2012-01-04T18:31:00.002-07:00

If you can't control unkind thoughts, the most and best you can do is control unkind speech.

2011-12-31T11:59:00.003-07:00

Ever feel how you inhabit your body?

I feel warmth physically, passion emotionally.

I feel Cheerful, and content.

Most wonderfully, I feel peace.

2011-12-30T22:21:00.004-07:00

Today I noticed a little ant crawling on the ground (while I was feeling emotionally sick) And it took me out of my pain as I stared at it in wonder-

How could such a tiny little thing have so much life in it?

Humans are beings and I am in awe of it- We are peculiar creatures: We are curious, masterful, creative, intelligent.-

We are beautiful.

2011-12-25T20:53:00.002-07:00

I was watching Jersey Shore, Season two, and I thought to myself- is this what my generation is all about? Fighting, Dancing, Drunkeness, Sex?

I don't belong to that culture...

I feel God drawing my spirit towards Him. This month I have felt closer to God... Closer than I've been in a long time... And I'm more sensitive to worldly things, meaning, I am repulsed by them. God is calling me to him... My soul aches with the desire of being in the presence of God. My heart craves what is good. I want what's holy.

2011-12-16T15:33:00.002-07:00

My counselor wants me to go back to DBT therapy... She said I'm not ready for help with trauma- but she did say that once she feels I'm ready, the therapy will be EMDR.

One thing she said to me helped this week. She told me that I may never be relieved from telepathy, so I must learn how to live in spite of it. So, because I know that it will never go away, I'm putting less 'value' on what I hear- and therefore am much more stable. Life is a lot easier when you don't take things so seriously...

I thought that if I prayed enough, fasted enough, took the right medications, it WOULD go away... But I was wrong. Now, if I sense someone communicating with me, I tell them that they are 'Beloved of God,' and I bless them.

2011-12-13T19:58:00.001-07:00

If you spend all your time focusing on a weakness, you will improve, but barely.

If you spend your time focusing on how to improve your strengths, you will eventually have mastery over those strengths.

2011-12-12T18:11:00.002-07:00

I have found some promises from God that give me a lot of hope:

If I meet the needs of others, whether they need food, clothing, (I believe also prayer) etc. I not only will be healed, (Isaiah 58:7-9) but I will be lead by God. (Isaiah 58:9--11)

God really wants me to care for other people!

I know that being kind is love, and now I have learned that providing for others needs with what I can give is also love.

2011-12-02T19:16:00.003-07:00

I vow to be kind.

To smile,
even when I get an angry look.

To speak life,
and lift up the soul.

To be non-judgmental,
and see all as equal.

To give,
as much as I can.

I don't understand how to love strangers... But I do understand how to be kind.

I vow to be kind.

2011-11-29T17:51:00.003-07:00

How do I say this in a way that will make sense?

When I go out into places where there will be lots of people, I assume, through established thought patterns, that some of the people around me are literal, modern day witches. And through these women and men, I hear their voices reacting and responding to my thoughts. They have all come together to conspire against me, for the purpose of ruining my life and pushing me towards suicide.

The reason this delusion is still alive within me is because of the spritual warfare I have endured. Not only was I abused by demons (and maybe witches), but my spirit was also able to sense the presence of wicked spirits around other people. I prayed and prayed for God to take it away, and He eventually did. I have seen other dimensions, and have even seen and heard Angels. I am extremely aware of the spiritual realm, but my Schizophrenia sometimes mixes it up and blurs my perceptions of reality.

So, I have decided to let God, who is Spirit, deal with my spiritual surroundings. And I am now practicing a different perception of reality, that is, what is actually physically happening around me. I'm sure demons play games with my illness, and I have seen more darkness than I've seen light, but, in the end of all things I know that God will win.

Made for Hope

2011-11-26T19:24:00.002-07:00

Yesterday and today, I have read the book of Genesis. It's really funny how you may think you know the story by heart, and even so, after reading Genesis many times, I got something new out of it.

Joseph, Jacob's son, was sold into slavery at the age of 17. (Gen 37:2) He spent some years serving an Egyptian Commander, but was wrongfully accused and placed in prison. He was then forgotten about and remained in prison until he was 30 years old and became second in command next to Pharoah. (Gen 41:46) When he revealed himself to his brothers, he said to them, God has placed me here for your presevation. (Gen 45:5,7)

I was persecuted spiritually beginning at the age of 16. I feel that spiritual bondage is the same as being enslaved. It continued through out my life, until the age I am now, 27. It was very violent at times. I am just so glad it has stopped... I am very humbly thankful. I hope, with all my heart, that as was with Joseph, God will bless me, in order that I may be placed in a position where I can comfort and fight with people who have been enslaved, and draw them back out of the well they've been thrown into, bring them into the light, and give them hope and purpose.

Even though I don't understand why things happened to me the way they did, and even though I feel at times that I want to take my own life, I cling desperately to the hope of the promise that one day God will wipe away my tears, hold me in his arms, and give me the eternal life that may be spent with Jesus. Death is often on my mind, and all it does is ignite the fire to lay down my life for God. I mean, for all I've been through, other people have suffered hell similar or worse than me. And this life is not eternal, it is simply a test- Will you lay down your life on earth for the promised eternal life given to those who simply believe in and confess that Christ died and rose again? If, like me, you don't have much hope for this life, then at least have that hope for the next.

Funnies

2011-11-25T21:20:00.002-07:00

I was talking to Matt and he spit in my eye, and I was like, "Ow! You just spit in my eye!" But when I said that I spit in his eye.

I told Matt his breath smelled like corn-on-the-cob and butter, and he said, "Your breath smells like rotting Sea-weed!"

2011-11-25T17:33:00.004-07:00

I feel this nasty, ugly, immobilizing, petrifying false guilt every single day.
It has eaten away my soul, and I am left with a hollow heart.
My brain burts with disorganized accusations that follow me everywhere I go.
Humility, Compassion, Grace, Forgiveness- no matter how much I give, it still hurts.
I poured out my life as a drink offering for Christ in my youth, yet I am left with doubt.
How can I go on living when I am so, so, broken?
Almost every day, I mourn my life- and I question it's worth for living.
I feel targeted, oppressed, ostricized, rejected, and victimized.
Why God? Why did you place me in the torment of hell?
You opened the gates of the spiritual realm, and they tore me apart.
11 years! It took 11 years! You could have saved me- but you didn't!
And now I doubt that even if I laid down my life for you, you would let the world tear me apart-
And I just can't take any more persecution.
I would rather take my own life than live the tortured one that I have.
The only thing that is holding me together right now is family. They are my reason to live.

2011-11-20T17:13:00.006-07:00

I'd like to share a memory...

It happened in 2007, when I was working at Circle K. One day I was stocking candybars, and had set some down on the counter because a woman and her 3 children wanted to purchase something. Of the 3 children, one was a baby, and the other two were about 4 and 5. Well, the oldest girl saw one of the candy bars and in an excited voice said, "Is THAT for ME?" I had compassion and said, "Yes, if it's ok with your Mommy." I looked at her mother and she nodded. So, I bought the two older girls candy bars and handed them to them. Then the four year old lowered her head, held the candy bar to her chest, and started singing, "Yes, Jesus loves me..."

I will never forget how humble that child was, so thankful to her God, just for a candybar. It makes me cry every time I think about it...

2011-11-16T18:30:00.003-07:00

I.need.change.

I'm tired of living in the past. I'm tired of fearful-irrational thinking. For FRIGGIN sake- it's been five years!

I have too much time on my hands, which is good and bad. I'm not under a lot of stress, which makes living with schizophrenia easier. But I'm bored. College in January will be a very good thing. It's fun to be assigned things to research. I like to see things in different types of views. And even if I'm not very good at it- (like Math) I like learning new things. I will only be taking one class a semester though- and I am going to take as many online classes as I can before going on campus.

2011-11-13T20:08:00.003-07:00

One night, I was asleep and dreaming.

In my dream I was in a small room. There was a small window- and I had gotten up and closed and locked it because it was raining. All of a sudden, I heard the loudest thunder I have ever heard in my life- the vibration was so powerful that the window shook and opened itself. Then, right after, I saw a bright light coming towards me. It was like the sun was rising upon me, coming closer and closer. Then I woke up. It was 3 in the morning.

I believe that thunder was God speaking, and that light was Christ. Why?

Job 37:5
God thunders marvelously with his voice...

Job 40:9
Have you an arm like God? Or can you thunder with a voice like His?

John 8:12
I am the Light of the world...

1 John 1:5
God is light...

2011-11-09T18:02:00.005-07:00

Proverbs 14:5

The simpleton believes every word he hears, but the prudent man looks and considers well where he is going.

Trust me, I can say from experience, that if you try to make sense of every wild thought and hallucination you will become very confused/delusional/feel false guilt, and it'll suck the life out of you like a black hole gorges itself on the universe.

You DON'T have to listen to your hallucinations. Check yourself, and see what's really happening. Talk to someone you love, get your mind off of your hallucinations... and when it gets really hard, talk to God.

2011-11-02T18:31:00.002-07:00

I have been learning about emotions, and how they manipulate me into making mistakes I wouldn't normally do. For instance, once I had $100 in my pocket that I needed to save. I wasn't expecting to feel suicidal later that week. When I was triggered by a negative association that made me feel suicidal I didn't care if I lived or died, so what was the point of saving the money? I spent it on a guitar.

"Emotions will never mature."- Joyce Meyer

Today Matthew and I went out to eat. I ordered soup and salad. While we were in the restaurant I (which is typical) heard some men talking about me spiritually. That I looked guilty. At first I was scared, and kept repeating Bob Marley in my head, "Everythings going to be alright." I must have said it to myself 20 times. And then, I realized something...

No matter what I hear, I can have compassion for those I think are oppressing me. I don't have to "talk back" to them, or become angry, or afraid... I can love them, because they are people, and their lives are just as valuable as mine.

2011-10-20T19:43:00.002-07:00

I'd love to have a free-thinking mind, where I could think of anything without feeling false guilt.

For instance, a couple of days ago I went to my clinic to get my blood drawn. I saw someone put a small tube of blood in a fridge and I thought, "What if I drank that blood?" I was then ashamed that I would think something so weird. I'm not goth and I don't like vampires. Maybe those kind of people would appreciate that sort of thought... But to me, that thought was offensive.

Just because I thought of drinking the blood doesn't mean I would actually do it. But that doesn't help me because I feel people are reading my thoughts through telepathy, and I'm afraid that I am going to be killed for the pyschotic thoughts I feel that people are picking up on me.

I'm a prisoner in my own mind- and it blows!

2011-09-25T20:24:00.005-07:00

I truly love music...

My favorite song is "Search and Destroy" by Iggy Pop.

Right now I'm listening to "Dubba Jonny - Home VIP." Awesome song.

I play guitar.

I love to play "Green Eyes" by Coldplay... (Matthew has green eyes)

I have had a sense of foreboding for about 6 years.

It's almost funny.

The threat of death looms over me.

I want to survive life.

I want to be the person Christ intends me to be.

Sometimes I hear the most intelligent things.

Hallucinations- I mean.

They come from me, so I admire myself for it.

I'm crazy, but I'm smart. And just a little too sensitive.

Everyone always compliments me on how well I talk and how insightful I am.

I want to overcome my past by doing things in the present moment that are fun! (Thus making NEW memories to fall back on.)

2011-09-25T12:36:00.002-07:00

I think I saw someone from my past on the bus... and it brought forth sadness and anxiety. Old wounds opening up. I really cared for him. I begged God to help him stop using drugs. I cried for him before God many times. He has been through so many awful things. He has no family. I hope, if he's married, to a good woman. I really want him to be happy and have a good life. I will probably never forget him. He was with me when we were both homeless, and his memory is burned in my mind.

2011-09-22T20:31:00.003-07:00

A man our age tonight, a stranger, was very kind in his greetings. As a result of his friendliness, the negative pain I've been feeling about society is somewhat relieved. He was a breath of fresh air- and whoever he is... I wish him the very best.

2011-09-13T22:56:00.005-07:00

Is it as easy to master the mind as it is to master the body?

I used to drink a pot of coffee a day, and I gave that up. I used to smoke cigarettes, half a pack a day, and I quit that.

Now I have to eat and exercise in a healthy way. I put on weight this year. My goal is to be my ideal weight before I go back to college in January.

It's good have goals and all, something to look forward to achieving. It gives me focus. Gets me out of the state of mind where I just want to curl up and die.

I'm learning to embrace the hell of the moment: If you try hard enough, you can shift your mind- even if you have to do it over and over.

Your going to suffer anyway- so (fight!) and live through it triumphantly.

(What defines your character is how you rise above or crumble beneath any kind of suffering.)

God has brought me this far... I wonder where else he will lead me.

2011-09-07T19:48:00.002-07:00

The major feelings I experience that hinder me are fear and loss. If people stare at me in what I percieve to be a threatening way, I immediantly feel like a victim. So, in the moment, I get scared. After the "encounter" is over, I become depressed and feel worthless.

I'm trying to sort this all out...

It's been 4 years since I lived on the street, yet it feels like it all happened yesterday. The pain of feeling like a victim came from being homeless, raped, on drugs, and oppressed. It was traumatizing.

The present is a blur. It's as if the past has taken over my mind. I have no real relief in the present because I can't find anything meaningful to do that will give me fulfillment.

I hate my past.

Actually, I hate my life.

2011-08-25T00:24:00.003-07:00

Hearing voices referring to my death, hearing accusations- clinging to them and the pain that they cause, for several years, has worn me down. It has kept me from living the life that I want to live. My relationship with God is... Well, my love for him is there, but it has been extremely hard to live for him like I want to because of my illness.

Yes, I am sensitive, and that is good because I am empathetic... But, (I say this with humility really) I have recognized that I need to mature. I know myself, but it's time I believe in myself. I am like the stage of the lotus flower where it's mucky and dirty- and I want to stretch myself out in the sunlight.

I have had a lot of sorrow and confusion and pain, and I had to experience them to get to where I am now. It was God's way. And now that I understand my illness better than ever, and have been on a long road of many years and healing, I see now that I need to be humble and accepting of my illness.

I was angry at God because he allowed me to suffer for so long. But I see now that he was just leading me gently through it. God isn't going to take away all our pain because if he did, we wouldn't grow. Even Christ learned obedience through suffering.

I believe that a chapter in my life of spiritual suffering is over now. My dreams have been peaceful. I'm not being attacked in my sleep by painful forces. I haven't experienced those out of body experiences or lucid dreams for a long time... I'm worried they'll come back, but, for now all is well and I am grateful to finally have peace in this area of my life.

I want to live for Christ. But I hear voices often when I pray. I don't know why this has kept me away from God because I haven't been praying lately and I still hear voices, so... I'm going to hear them regardless. Better to be true to myself and my faith than ignore everything.

That's what I do. Stuff it up inside and ignore. You see, I don't talk about my problems with others. I keep it all inside. That's why I write. It releases the built up emotions. And if this blog helps even one person, then it's worth it. I don't care if a million people read this blog... If I've helped even one person then I am fulfilled. That was the whole point of starting it. To help others know I know what they're going through, and it sucks sometimes. But it isn't impossible to go on living.

And that's what this post is all about. To go on living, slowly, steadily. Baby steps until I'm able to take on more. To mature in my emotions, to make peace with whatever I'm feeling in the moment, letting it go.

To believe in myself for who I am, and not focus on what I hear "others" say I am.

If I had realized this earlier, I would have saved myself a lot of suffering. But I didn't have the clarity then like I do now. And so begins the next season in my life...

2011-08-16T00:18:00.002-07:00

It seems odd, that one would do all they can to stuff down their feelings, when the feelings are, as everything else in life, temporal. It comes and it goes; hills and valleys.

Things change, and you will get stronger or weaker, depending on how you approach it.

I honestly don't know if I'm approaching my fears in the correct way, because accompanying the fear are words said that no one else hears but me. Oh, I distract myself by reading, listening to music, or other things- but the voices always come back- and they always say the same tortuous things.

If I don't make peace with what I hear-well, I will have no future...

There is something inside me that says I need to believe in myself, stand proudly, and refuse to listen to what tries so hard to bring me down and destroy me. They are just lies.

2011-08-12T22:31:00.002-07:00

It's hard... when I care so much about the welfare of other people, wishing them peace and wellness- and they speak out cruelly towards me. It makes my stomach sicken.

I'm sensitive. I put too much weight into what other people say about me, giving them power over my heart... As if they really know me.

People who know me love me.

"She smiles through a thousand tears
and harbors adolescent fears
She dreams of all
That she can never be
She wades in insecurity
And hides herself insdie of me

It seems as though I've always been
Somebody outside looking in
Well here I am for all of them to bleed
But they can't take my heart from me
And they can't bring me to my knees
They'll never know the real me."

Mariah Carey

2011-08-04T22:25:00.003-07:00

sitting here quietly
embracing the peace
i listen to ave maria
and intrusive thoughts cease

music is a miracle
it ends the torment
i can block everything out
while listening to it

its moments like these
that set me free
the pain is dulled-
and i can see clearly

2011-08-04T00:05:00.004-07:00

My pain is buried within my heart. For the most part, I keep it buried. But it researfaces at times, and I bleed. If I could describe how I feel, it would be through song- Miserere Mei.

Why was I chosen to bear this crippling pain?

I am a passionate woman- and no one notices me- even though I care about and notice them.

Please understand me, I don't want your attention- I want your compassion. I'm crying out for your simple kindness- to acknowledge that I matter. To treat me as a human being- with respect... The same that I give to you.

I wish others would reach out to me the same way I reach out to them. But no, I'm not good enough and never will be. Not pretty enough. Not skinny enough. Not smart enough. Not talented enough. Just a face blended in the crowd.

Why don't people stand up for me? Cant they even sense how much I'm hurting? I'm crying out- but my voice is as small as a childs-and everyone is blowing me off. Why am I tormented with thoughts that don't belong to my heart? Why is my brain diseased and my hearing malfunctioning?

I feel like I am trapped inside a box, glued shut, with no way to get myself out. I will never have a fulfilling life. I can't face the outside world- with their curled talons of accusation, and mouths of menacing teeth bared at me. At least, that's how I see it. All of this is my reality-and I hate it!

I hope God will have enough grace to let me live a quiet life, and die peacefully- whether it's tomorrow or 80 years from now- I am ready.

Tears...

New Beginnings

2011-07-20T23:37:00.003-07:00

A lot has happened since my last post.

The judge ruled in my favor for Social Security!

I moved into an apartment with my fiance. I love our little apartment! We don't have cable, but we bought an antenna and we get free HD channels. We have the internet. And we are stocked up on video games. My sister got me into Pokemon on the DS. I also have serveral Wii and PS3 games. And movies. And books. Enough to keep us occupied. We go out often too.

We aren't sure when we will have our marriage ceremony, but we have our rings. My fiance needs his resized though.

When we first moved into our apartment, I did well mentally. But, soon the symptoms started creeping up on me. I was very suicidal, and had to be admitted to the mental hospital. I was there for three weeks. They took me off Serequel and Haldol and put me on Clozaril. Man, I thought Haldol was IT. For all the relief I had on Haldol- well, Clozaril is working the best I've ever had! And my Psychiatrist said it will only improve over the next three years! That's crazy! I am also on a mood stabalizer now, Lamectal, and it is helping me not be so emotional. I am also not having obsessive thoughts. I am not as tortured as I used to be. My recovery has been high and low, stable and unstable. I joked with my nurse today that the Clozaril is "sanity in a bottle."

There are some things in my past that I am having a hard time dealing with. I don't like my past- it's messy. Life is uncomfortable, to say the least. It feels like if I keep quiet things will stay peaceful... I've talked about it with others and there is no real 'help' so I'll just let it be.

Anyway, my fiance and I adopted a four year old chihuahua from the Humane Society. She is such a good little girl. I am having a somewhat difficult time potty training her though. But she'll get it eventually... I hope! Her name is Star. I call her my Super Star, and my fiance calls her Star Wars. (I don't like Star Wars by the way...) We were watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua the other night and she started barking at the dogs on TV. It was funny!

2010-11-29T09:54:00.002-07:00

When you live every day like its your last day alive, you are more content. It also cools the flame of anger, and lightens the heart of depression. You give your love to the ones who are closest to you. You enjoy the small things. You live simply, and calmly. And you don't worry about the future. That is what my life is like. Although I'm dying wondering whether I was granted social security or not- because I'm excited about it- I'm not worried. I know if I don't get it this time around, then maybe next time.

2010-11-17T22:45:00.002-07:00

As time passes on, I get better and better. I'm doing SO well these days. I am able to walk long distances without my headphones covering my ears. I am able to ride the bus also without headphones. Whenever I feel paranoid, I practice pranayama and clear my thoughts. It has taken a lot of mind training, and I am reaping the rewards.

2010-08-03T16:46:00.004-07:00

I'm doing sort of well these days. My Psychiatrist increased my Haldol to 40mg a day, and so far so good.

2010-07-03T19:27:00.003-07:00

I've realized that there is a reoccurring emptiness- an emotional void inside of me. I can't fill the void completely by my relationship with Matthew, by smoking, by curling up in bed and sleeping, by anything. The only thing that works to fill the void is by reading the Bible, and by praying to Jesus.

The ironic thing about life is that everything is in motion. There is no real security. As time progresses we age, lose our health, and eventually die. We come into money, we lose money. We have every thing we need, and sometimes everything we want. But everything returns back to the earth, and energy converts us eventually into nothing. The only everlasting things are our souls, and God.

Social Security

2010-06-18T21:32:00.001-07:00

In August I will go before a judge to appeal for SSI benefits.

Reflection

2010-06-01T10:26:00.009-07:00

My ex-fiance dumped me because my parents didn't approve of him- and they refused to let me speak with him. I had to sneak around on the phone.

What's bothering me is that one night I dreamed I was riding on Pegasus while he flew over the sea. When I told Matthew of this dream he surprisedly remarked that awhile back he had dreamed about Poseidon. I think it means that we had a deep connection, and it grieves me that it's gone.

Weakness

2010-05-28T12:31:00.001-07:00

Usually when I have learned something that strengthens me, I write in this blog... But I want people to know that throughout the day I deal with weakness as well. I hallucinate, get a little paranoid/uncomfortable, I can't tolerate my thoughts, etc. This disease isn't easy to fight. If it were, then I wouldn't be sick.

2010-05-26T17:48:00.004-07:00

I've come to the point where 1) I've accepted suffering and 2) I'm willing to work harder for my health and sanity.

My path of discipline has been slowly progressing, and the more disciplined I am the more stable I am. This means I am willing to work harder at exercising 3-5 days a week instead of just whenever I feel like it, eating completely healthily, quit smoking, start projects I've been thinking about for awhile, stay focused on college courses, and controlling what I think about.

Now, controlling your thoughts is not about monitoring every thought that comes into your mind- you can't do that. But it is about immediately shifting your thoughts to something else when something comes up that bothers you or makes you sad, etc. I have been shifting thoughts slightly after a bad thought comes, but not immediately. Now I am ready to immediately do this. I have built up the strength.

I will be successful. Life isn't easy, but it's not impossible. It was only when I realized that I have to take a different path then others that I realized I would be successful. I was in denial about my illness and kept trying to do things the "right-normal" way. But I am completely satisfied now with my life's circumstances. I accept my illness, and I have come to the point where I don't just have faith that I will beat paranoid schizophrenia, I KNOW that I will.

2010-05-24T19:21:00.003-07:00

I've finally made my decision on what degree I'm going to get: A BFA in Art (Drawing). My two passions in life are Art and Music. I want to spend the rest of my life with both.

2010-05-19T18:18:00.001-07:00

I just realized what has been tricking me into thinking that my thoughts are being projected-

I have a rapid thought coupled with a quick burst of emotion.

But it is really just going on within myself.

2010-05-18T23:36:00.004-07:00

I am brilliantly crafted. A strange creature. A gifted machine.

I understand that I am flesh and blood. I feel it. I feel my mortality!

It is a wondrous and frightful thing to sense your being...King David was right!

2010-05-17T19:03:00.003-07:00

It is good to not make assumptions about people- such as body language or voice tone, or make assumption about circumstances, because when you don't, you save yourself from a lot of negative emotions and beliefs. But if you do have to believe something, teach yourself to make the assumption in a positive manner.

The Stars

2010-05-17T13:34:00.001-07:00

We are the stars
Shining in a black sea
We cover the night
We glow brilliantly

Nothing can extinguish us
Forever we'll burn
Nothing can veil us
We are fierce, we are warm

You cannot count us
We are eternal, We are free
We cannot be contained
We defy gravity

We are luminescent guardians
Forming patterns in the sky
If you ever are lost
We will gladly be your guide

When the dawn comes
We slowly disappear
But we are still there
We will always be near

-browneyedgirl

2010-05-15T15:59:00.002-07:00

After completely screwing up and ruining a relationship, I spent a day painting and thinking about who it is exactly that I want to be, and what I should do to get there. Leaving out the messy details, I compiled a collection of values:

1. Shift thoughts, No ruminating, Take thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ.
2. Learn to cope with feelings alone. Observe and Describe emotion. Is the emotion a result of a problem that can be effectively fixed? Or is it irrational?
3. Be disciplined. Always do your best. Set up a realistic routine.
4. Be responsible. Be wise in making choices.
5. Cultivate healthy relationships.
6. Stay true to your faith.

The Law of Attraction

2010-05-10T08:57:00.004-07:00

Whatever is going on in your mind you attract. Anytime your thoughts are flowing, the law of attraction is working. Pay attention to what you are attracted to. Use your feelings to direct what kind of experiences you want. Buddha said, "Our present is the result of the past. All we are is the result of what we have thought." Focusing on disease only creates more disease. So if your schizophrenic, depressed, etc, if you think only about your uncomfortable experiences, and your dwelling on them, your mind, which creates your reality, will create more of it. Learn to become still, and pay attention to what you wish to experience. All power is from within, and therefore under our control. Whether you think you can, or you can't, either way you are right.
Declare what you would like to have in life, and then take action. Do not focus on what you already are, but what you would like to be. See yourself in the end result.

Thought Patterns

2010-05-02T17:42:00.004-07:00

How does one test their beliefs when you speak in your mind and a voice replies back? By not believing IN the voice. It is not a person. It is not a spirit. It is not a devil. It is a hallucination. It is real in the sense that it is happening, but the connection that it is something outside of yourself is not true.

Weakness and Strength

2010-04-27T20:32:00.002-07:00

When you encounter a weakness, you defeat it by creating a strength to counterbalance it.

Since changing my medication from Seroquel to Abilify, the voices and intrusive thoughts have increased. Listening to music isn't enough anymore. I can't let my imagination wander, because whatever I'm focusing on I hallucinate over. So I have found a new strategy to focus without concentrating so hard:

I am actively reading, writing, learning, and memorizing. The four are intertwined. Sometimes just one isn't enough, so I shift back and forth from the four. Right now I'm studying Psychology and the Bible. It keeps me from being bored and it keeps intrusive thoughts at bay. Because I'm concentrating on what I'm learning and not thinking about people, I'm hardly hallucinating.

Trauma

2010-04-20T22:39:00.003-07:00

If you are dealing with trauma, then I recommend you read

the TRAUMA zone
TRUSTING GOD FOR EMOTIONAL HEALING
R. Dandridge Collins, P.H.D.

It is very helpful.

2010-04-20T20:11:00.002-07:00

My mind is finally calm. There was some sort of connection to the problems I was having... and that has lead me to finally conclude that I am some sort of a sensitive spiritual being. To be honest, I have always known this- I just have been in denial because of the huge amount of negative energy in the world. There is enough negativity to wound your heart, as it has me and the trauma that I deal with. Today I have begun using my speech to use power to bring out positive energy. There is lots of good around you in the midst of desparation if you look for it.

Relapse

2010-04-17T16:39:00.004-07:00

Today is turning out to be a very hard day. I have been relapsing since a couple days ago. The voices are constant, and it is wearing me out. Suicide is not foreign to my mind. I just want some relief! I'm so tired of always concentrating so hard trying to control my thoughts. I've fallen back into rumination, and it's hard to get out.

I have been listening to music constantly... I'm going to go deaf... I have to turn it up really loud.

I really wanted to go on my walk today but I couldn't because my mind is racing around too much... it's such a shame... I'm locked up in the house.

DAMNIT I'M GOING CRAZY!

2010-04-16T08:02:00.001-07:00

I felt the presence of God in the morning. It was so sweet. I literally smiled myself awake. Then, as I was making coffee, He told me to read the Scritpures. I read until He had spoken to me, and his message was this: Even those who reject Jesus, God still has compassion for, and he will always tell them the truth.

How to Cope

2010-02-17T22:04:00.003-07:00

I have learned that you must use multiple coping skills in order to get through symptoms. Why multiple? Well, sometimes a certain coping skill may work great- and other times it may not work at all. You need to prepare a backup plan of how you're going to cope when you're having symptoms. I'll give an example:

Tonight I was hearing voices and was also having an anxiety attack at the same time. The first thing I did was put on my headphones that are connected to my MP3 player to drown out the voices. I didn't feel safe in my room so I went into the living room and sat down on the couch. Then I prayed to Jesus, that he would pull me through this experience. After that, I told myself a couple of times that I was ok and perfectly safe. Then, to lower the anxiety, I breathed deeply. When my heart had calmed down a little I asked myself what wisdom I could use at this moment, and I came up with a law of nature- it is a natural law for people to be unable to read minds. Finally, when the anxiety was just about gone, I comforted myself- speaking to myself gently and with compassion. And then I was fine. :)

So, my advice out there is that if you're mentally ill you need to learn as many coping skills as you can!

Thought Control

2010-02-08T01:22:00.003-07:00

What's new in my dealing with mental illness is that I am starting to become automatic in controlling my thoughts- even when in a state of paranoia or psychosis. This is a huge blessing. Even if I think my mind is being read, I can focus to the point where all I experience is the emotional discomfort, because I have such discipline with what I'm thinking!

2009-11-17T19:34:00.002-07:00

Every night, I take my Seroquel as prescribed. And every night, for an hour or two after taking it, the Seroquel puts me a sort of high that makes me extremely sensitive. Thoughts 'jump out' of my mind, and I become afraid that my thoughts are being 'read' by strangers. My body reacts to these negative thoughts through anxiety, heart palpitations, and a nervous feeling in my stomach. What's strange is that when I am in this high, the intrusive thoughts disturb and frighten me. But after I calm down, I can think the very same thoughts and have no physical reaction in my body.

2009-11-02T09:37:00.003-07:00

I am going through a strong depression. I went to the hospital twice, but it did me no good. I've realized that you can't stop living no matter how badly you feel. You must keep moving. To stop living is to give up and throw life away. You just have to keep going...

Imagination and Worry

2009-10-14T00:49:00.002-07:00

If I keep my imagination under control, than I keep my paranoia under control. If I weren't imagining all these problems in the future, than I wouldn't worry about the future. I need to live in the NOW.

Mind Reading II

2009-10-09T21:17:00.004-07:00

I have been practicing in my thinking that others may not hear my thoughts. I purposely think odd thoughts to see if people react... And so far they haven't been reacting at all. I am becoming more comfortable with the unusual thinking patterns I am having. My mind is extremely random sometimes, which surprises me. Also, when I hear voices, they are so intelligent! That also surprises me. I feel kind of proud of that, actually...

Mind Reading

2009-09-26T12:53:00.004-07:00

I have been having trouble for several weeks with Mind Reading. My psychosis creeps up on me and it gives me thoughts that feel foriegn to my normal every day thoughts, so I have assumed that this is psychic interferance. I know from talking to my Counselor and Mother that this is impossible. I also know that my interpretation of my own psychosis is learned- meaning, I interpreted these "foreign" thoughts as psychic many years ago, and it has stuck. So I have to unlearn it. It is very hard, but I am stepping forward to remember the TRUTH, and am trying not to buy into the lie that psychic interaction is real.

School So Far

2009-09-18T17:14:00.005-07:00

After my first day of classes I hallucinated, but other than that I have been doing ok.

I got together with a woman who works for the ADA at my college and I am going to get some help. I will have a note taker, and a quiet room to go into when I'm stressed. Also I will be taking tests in a seperate room from class. I am thankful to God for the support. I will make it through college!

I IZ A COLLEGE STUDENT!

2009-08-15T13:25:00.003-07:00

(My sister put that note on my door, hehe)

I start school the 25th. I'm taking English 101 and Math 92. I'm not too good at math, but my english skills are very good. I type much better than I talk, actually. I'm getting a laptop soon, and my classes are paid for. Today I bought a back pack and school supplies. I AM SO FRIGGIN EXCITED! School has been a dream of mine since I was 19. I'm 25 now, and it's finally coming true. Yes!

Stop Ruminating!

2009-08-10T18:35:00.005-07:00

I have a problem with rumination. Usually I let myself feel the depression, anxiety, and even psychosis before I attempt to cope. And then I learned something:

While I was reading my Bible yesterday (Genesis, the story of Joseph) I started to feel depression in my chest. I stopped for a moment and noticed it, then immediately made myself focus on what I was reading. I got into the story, and my depression lifted.

From this I have learned that when I have anxiety or depression, or if I am having troubles, I can cope right away. I don't have to dwell on the problem. If I can't fix it in someway, all I need to do is distract and use mindfulness, or other coping skills.

Imagination

2009-07-28T06:24:00.006-07:00

Tonight I have realized just how much my imagination triggers anxiety attacks. My mind is programmed to think negatively in a visual manner. For instance, I often see my heart exploding and it scares me very much. It is hard for me to reconnect with reality when this happens. But I know what I need to do- I must start correcting my thoughts: thinking what I should have thought in the first place instead.

I am using two techniques to discipline my mind and change the way I think. One way is through Mindfulness, which I have mentioned before. The second is through Scripture. A specific Scripture to be exact, Phil 4:6-8 KJV

whatsoever things are TRUE, HONEST, JUST, PURE, LOVELY, OF GOOD REPORT, IF THERE BE ANY VIRTUE OR PRAISE, think on these things.

Making New Memories

2009-04-30T20:59:00.002-07:00

Sometimes when I lay in bed at night I find myself remembering the past. It's unfortunate that I have held on to my worst experiences- being high on hard drugs, my mental illnesses trickery before I understood that it was mental illness.

These memories are like a sore in my mind. But I have a second chance, and I'm living it. I can make new memories. In the years to come, I want to have memories full of love and goodness.

Change is never quick.

2009-04-09T13:25:00.003-07:00

If you are attempting to change your behaviors, if you are trying to be a certain way, if you are disciplining yourself to lose or to gain, don't give up. It is going to take a long time before change happens or becomes natural. And like it or not, you might as well just go through it. It's better than being stagnant.

Social Security

2009-03-13T20:56:00.002-07:00

I received a letter last week stating that I would be given a hearing regarding the status of my social security claim. I am in the process of being interviewed by a lawyer. I have been praying to God that he would grant me social security this time around. I have heard from others who have gone through the process that you have to be denied a couple of times, then go before an Administraiting law judge and present your case, and then it is finally granted. God deserves so much of my thanks, for hearing me and causing this to all come about.

I have been having a tough week. Trauma has resurfaced and I have been getting anxiety again. Mental illness is such a challenge because it often pushes you past your comfort zone, and you have to cling to the practice of coping skills- and by God's grace, you eventually pull through- and not to sound negative, but you make it and then after awhile embrace the illness and go through the cycle again. Going outside in my backyard at night triggers my psychosis. Years ago, when I was homeless and alone, I dreaded the night, especially in a city where drug addicts were mainly what made up most of the homeless society. After six months of being clean, my parents rescued me and brought me home again. I have been clean for 3 years. I found marijuana in the back of my brothers car about a week ago, and I didn't even think twice before I got rid of it. It just isn't worth it to me. I will never throw my life away into that garbage again.

Sometimes, when I feel so strong, I feel as if I can live a normal life- and then my illness creeps back upon me and I struggle through it again. I truly need social security, as I cannot survive the working world. It is just too much stress. My prayer now is that this prospective lawyer accepts my case.

I have found a way to love myself, and that is through the practice of good health. I value this. I was exercising and lost 4 pounds, but then I started to get paranoid and stopped taking my walks. I am willing though to find another way, or even try walking again.

I was recently interviewed to go back to partial hospitalization. However, with DBT therapy, my insurance will not pay for that and partial hospitalization, so I will enter it in about 8 weeks, after I finish DBT. I am still very much in recovery, and I think I would benefit from it. I'm going to call my case manager on Monday and check up with her on the status ofmy referral.

Radical Acceptance

2009-02-25T12:56:00.003-07:00

One of the most valuable skills I have learned from DBT therapy is Radical Acceptance. I will quote from my notebook what it is exactly:

"Reality Acceptance skills are the skills that you need when painful events happen in your life and you can't change the painful event. You can't solve it. You can't make it go away. You can't turn it into a positive. It is a negative that just won't become a positive- you are miserable... Radical Acceptance is a complete and total accepting from the mind, heart, and body."

There you have it.

I was thinking about College, and how will I cope with hearing voices and being amongst a crowd of people. It has not changed that I hear unpleasant things now and then, though it is not as constant as it was 2 years ago. I realized that this is inevitable, my hearing of things. I can and am accepting that I hear weird stuff, have odd emotions, uncomfortable perceptions, and etc. I have finally reached an ultimate in coping with my schizophrenia. Don't get me wrong, I have just begun to practice this skill. I do need time to master it, and I will by God's grace.

Now, regarding body image, I know that Radical Acceptance is necessary. It will take time, but one day, I will truly love myself. For the past two weeks I have been walking almost four miles a day. Today I walked five! I am practicing good health, and I do feel better because of it.

The saddest thing that has happened lately is that my fiance dumped me. But it is good because I was unable to break up with him due to emotional need, even though I knew being with him wasn't the best for me. I prayed that God would give me a way out, and he did.

Low Self Esteem

2009-02-12T18:10:00.002-07:00

The emotional pain is from low-self esteem. I've known this for awhile, it's just that I haven't thought about how much it affects me. The pain sometimes seems hidden, and I feel empty inside.

Sometimes I think to myself, "Alright, you're not satisfied with how you look, GET OVER IT." But to be truthful I still feel like a young girl when I look at my body, or to put it another way, I still see myself the way I did when I was 14.

I've always wanted to be special. Unique. In my experiences will mental illness, I have had unique situations of psychosis, but that is not something pleasurable that makes me feel good about myself. In fact I hallucinated today, a voice putting me down. It makes sense to hear voices amplifying how I treat myself. And it hurts.

They say you have to build mastery in something to build self-esteem. I haven't found that unique talent that I am passionate about yet. Don't get me wrong, there are many things in life that I am passionate about- My family, My fiance, Nature, Mindfulness, Getting well, Going to college, Hurting people, Hungry people, Homeless people, My faith- it's just that even the love I feel doesn't make me feel good about myself.

I do not spend hours ruminating saying "Poor me, I'm ugly." It is more like an interruption, an overwhelming feeling of sadness out of nowhere, looking in the mirror and feeling disappointed, that sort of thing. I feel beautiful on the inside because of my strong passion, but not so much on the outside.

I also know that beauty isn't everything. But why then does it hurt me so much? And why won't it go away? Why don't I grow out of it?

I will make sure to discuss this in therapy this week.

2009-02-11T20:55:00.002-07:00

Today isn't so easy to get through. My emotions are pulling me to eat and smoke, though I know I shouldn't. I think that these urges to be impulsive are coming because of something else, but I'm not exactly sure yet what that is.

How to treat pain-

2009-01-23T12:56:00.003-07:00

When you feel bad, you need to acknowledge it, embrace it, experience it, and then let it ride itself out and move on. There is never a quick fix to pain.

Minfulness

2009-01-06T18:02:00.005-07:00

I have been studying with enthusiasm to come to know what true Mindfulness is. It is a great pleasure to learn, and a challenge, and I have been reading and re-reading excitedly the information that I may find so that I can obtain mastery over it. Right now I am reading "Wherever you go, There you are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn.

Somehow, someway, this living moment to moment, has caused me to discover once again the loneliness of my own mortality. It is not that I am focused on death, but it is an observation of my physical being. My soul and spirit live within this now youthful body. But one day it will come to an end. And this loneliness, this limited time of life I have to live, is probably why I value love so much. Because when I am loved, I am not alone.

Christmas

2008-12-23T23:28:00.000-07:00

Sitting on the armchair, looking at the pretty little christmas tree and all the presents underneath, being in a warm house, covered in warm clothing, thinking about Matthew and all that I have... My life is very comfortable. I am truly blessed.

2008-12-15T10:47:00.006-07:00

I have been doing extremely well. The combination of the Haldol injection and Seroquel are helping me manage my symptoms, and I am comfortable in 80% of social situations. The last time symptoms occurred was two Friday's ago, when I got in an argument with my mother. The symptoms lasted for 3 days.

I am wondering about my future, and my ability to handle stress...

Good News

2008-11-11T21:58:00.001-07:00

From 7am until 10pm I was bombarded with psychosis-(from the bus to the painting studio and back)- and incredibly, I had strength. I knew what I was thinking was not rational, and despite my feelings, I stood up to the paranoia and endured. Thank you Jesus.

2008-10-31T13:01:00.005-07:00

Yesterday I received my third injection of Haldol. I really don't know if it's working...

...Which is absolutely frustrating!

How come every time I separate from Mathew I hear many voices saying he's going to kill himself, he's going to kill me, etc. No stress- barely voices. Big emotional stress, VOICES. How much of this is chemical and how much is it psychological? I feel it's both. I wish so strongly that more research was put into the the study of one who's mind's emotions are manifested by voices. Is it really an issue with Dopamine? And that's a GUESS. The nurse who gave me the injection suggested that I ask my psychiatrist for an extra small dose of Haldol in pill form as a prn.

How can it be that my feeling of depression can sink in my chest so deeply and yet the prozac not have any affect? (Not only that, but I was told by the other Psychiatrist at the clinic that Prozac can make hearing voices worse because of the way it reacts in the brain. My next appointment with my Psychiatrist I am going to ask the Dr. to take me off it.)

Anyway, last night, (even though I got an injection hours earlier, this makes no sense) I went into a psychosis thinking that I (uncontrollably) was communicating with my mind to my Matthew's parents. My mind couldn't rest. I had to focus on whatever I could that barely distracted me. (Matthew comforted me, he was so sweet.)

About 5 minutes before his father drove me home my mind snapped out of it. I arrived home, said goodbye, and went to bed.

2008-10-27T18:15:00.002-07:00

Matthew is the kindest, most forgiving person I have ever met. He is willing to spend time to help me learn to love myself. He is willing to help me overcome my pain.

Today, while riding the bus, I met a Monk from Sri Lanka. He was very humble- wouldn't look me in the face when I talked to him. He said he didn't know English that well but he sounded fine to me. I asked him what he thought of my lotus tattoo and he said, thumbs up, Flower power. Hehe. It was pretty cool.

2008-10-23T16:16:00.002-07:00

My imagination has always been a way to escape reality- but I recognized yesterday that it is not healthy for me to listen to music and zone out the world every day... Most of the time, I think of the future and what I want to do, and wonder if I will succeed. Other times, thoughts of the past come up. What if's trouble me to the extent to where I become very depressed. And lastly, I use music and imagination to escape from my fears. For some reason, when I do this, I control my reality and nothing painful jumps out to surprise me and cause fear and hurt. I don't want to face it. Honestly I'm not sure that I am ready to. Healing is always a slow and gentle process.

Today though, I have not done any of this recreational listening. I have kept myself busy with activities even though anxiety and depression are sort of hiding inside me. I haven't willingly gotten into any 'content' of why I feel anxiety and depressed... I'm facing my emotions and trying hard to cope. I've done a lot of activities today, studied works by Aristotle, read and experienced meditation, yoga, reviewing notes from therapy, watched a little bit of a movie, colored in a coloring book, cleaned the kitchen, read the Bible. All these things I am doing to be one-mindful, focused, and in the moment. My motive in doing this is to relieve myself of intense emotions caused by just pondering. Compared to yesterday, when my depression was very strong, today I am only slightly uncomfortable.

2008-10-20T17:08:00.007-07:00

...I was reciting to myself a chapter of the Bible, and a person turned around and yelled directly in my face the next words to what I was reciting in my mind.

Walking down a Hall way, with no one else around, a dark deep voice said to me, "You are a true punk." In my pride I acknowledged it in thanks.

These are two exceptions to my illness, meaning, they were real. Skeptics would argue but I know the truth.

I feel extreme religious trauma- and it leads me into hopelessness... There is no escape from suffering. I am haunted by my past and fear engulfs my future. I sense how very real my mortality is.

I really do cling to Jesus.

2008-10-13T12:58:00.003-07:00

This morning on the bus I met a woman who tried to receive help paying her rent from Mormons, but since she wasn't a convert they wouldn't help her. She was discriminated against, in my opinion.

I also met a couple where the wife has back pain, and her husband has leukemia- and the government keeps denying them aid. I don't see how the government could do that to someone? I burst into tears for them.

After they left and I got off the bus where I needed to be, I was so humbled by their problems that the weight of what I was going through at that moment was sobered. I lost my paranoia, as if I dropped it into a deep well left it there, and walked away.

2008-10-08T12:17:00.003-07:00

Life has changed, and a 'friend' has exited out of my life. It is the best thing to do for both of us.

I am feeling stress from having to take the bus by myself. There are some shady characters that I'd rather not be around. I called my case worker and she is going to set me up with someone to help me with riding the bus.

Praying to God last night in my room I started to hear voices again, as if they have returned. I ignored them, and continued in prayer. I then went to sleep. It was the most effective thing to do. It caused me only a small amount of grief. I guess that I've experienced unusual circumstances so continuously that over time I am learning to get over it and just cope, instead of being consumed by what I'm hearing.

2008-10-06T11:33:00.006-07:00

How hard it is to not judge or make assumptions about people and situations!

I have begun working on a new, healthier, thought process. (Learned of course, from therapy.) It does work, but it is not automatic yet. Slowly but surely I feel the confusion in my mind unlocking and inside of me comes understanding about what is actually happening.

2008-09-27T15:27:00.004-07:00

This afternoon I walked down the the local grocery store to pick up some lunch. On the way, I heard a woman and man talking. They were neighbors. My mind assumed, and by that I mean I heard a slanderous statement about me. I was upset, but I realized that my state of being had become purely emotional. I told myself that I don't need to feel bad because I know I am a good person.

I remember a statement a Christian friend has made about seeing people and not their sin. I thought about how name-calling and such is sinful, and that I shouldn't be angry at the neighbors because it is in every humans nature to make mistakes and/or hurt each other. Thinking that really took the weight of me, and I didn't feel harassed.

On my way home from the grocery store, I had a great amount of peace. I took my time opening the sushi I had bought, and just had a very satisfying feeling in my soul. It wasn't the food- it was the fact that I was not paranoid, and not even for a moment self-conscious! What liberty it was! I enjoyed- in public- peace deep in my soul. I was truly calm, and truly happy.

Glory to God, and to Christ.

2008-09-24T13:35:00.003-07:00

I am not comfortable with death. Facing your own mortality can be a very frightening experience.

Fear has been a lifelong companion of mine. Not because I embrace it, but because of the evil I have seen and heard. I want no part in it- and yet it seems to haunt me with voices threatening my life, and intrusive thoughts doing just the same.

All this is difficult for me to accept. But somehow I must find a way to cope. I'm not sure how to do so just yet, but I know it is necessary. I will search for answers through counseling, and by the wisdom Christ may grant me.

I am one of those kinds of people who refuse to lose hope. I want the abundant life Christ promises, and am curious as to what that will be like?

2008-09-21T18:33:00.006-07:00

The Haldol has made my eyes a little blurry. It's hard to read small writing, such as in a book. It also has given me a very dry mouth- so I have to drink a lot. I am also sleepier.

My stomach becomes full very easily. Not only that, but nothing sounds good to eat. Even the things I really like I'm not interested in.

I am still paranoid, and experienced a "psychic" delusion in church today. It was disturbing and I was glad that it happened at the *end* of the service and not immediately or in the middle. I became depressed and had to rest for awhile, which didn't help. So, I just prayed to Jesus about what is happening, and focused on the truth that he loves me. The sadness left, and I was able to continue my day.

Also, the day before, an intrusive thought came to mind, and it made me stop in my tracks. I said allowed to myself: "That is really weird..." And then tried my best to ignore it and concentrate on what I was enjoying- Plants. Mother and I were at a Nursery... And a beautiful one at that. Oh, and I was delighted because there were chickens there and I screamed, "I JUST SAW A CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD!" It was hilarious. To me anyway. :)

Anyway, I am going to be persistant in my attendance of church, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me, because I straight up need to be fed by God. I'll tolerate what ever is necessary. My illness has come between God and I for a long time- and I WANT to experience life with him in a way that is REAL. I want to connect to him without plugging into him my emotions to where it isn't right between God and I until I feel good. I also want to worship him outside of music.

I have so much hunger inside me, especially to learn. I thought that hunger was for worldly things, but once I experienced them and the negative consequences they could bring--- It never brought happiness and eventually I became bored with them. There is no soul-substance in worldly things. They never satisfied the thirst either... Just got me caught up in sin. When I look back on my life however, even when I was using drugs and living in sin, sometimes when no one was looking I cried many tears because I truly have always loved God the Father. And I knew I needed him.

My life's testimony is an expression of God's mercy and grace. And recently, through a friend, my desire for the Bible and to spend time in it came back. I have also recently experienced in me a love for Jesus- through the beauty of his life- it has struck me so deep. I hope this passion for God and for Truth never leaves me.

2008-09-19T20:26:00.004-07:00

I saw a new Psychiatrist yesterday. She is a small Chinese woman. I felt a liking towards her, mainly because I have learned a bit about the Chinese culture through a book I recently finished. It is called Bound Feet and Western Dress and is a memoir. It was interesting to read about the roles of different family members. It also explained about the Yin/Yang- which before reading I had never understood. I just remembered it being popular in the 90's.

Her personality struck me. I watched her interact with her associates. She was very outgoing and bold- and it seemed so unusual to me! She is a tiny woman, but so confident. She mentiond that she was close to being done with school when she was my age. I told her that a college education is very important to me, but could not attend because of my illness. She encouraged me and told me that I would. She also told me to get out into the world because if I didn't I would become an old maid! I laughed inside because that reasoning I know is from her culture. I didn't tell her however, about my recent engagement..then... annulled? ha.. engagement.

Anyway, after talking with her, she prescribed me an injection of Haldol. I was very nervous. I have not had much luck with anti-psychotics. So while I was sitting in the chair waiting for the Nurse I was half worried that this stronger dose of Haldol was going to kill me. Then I reasoned that I just had to trust her and see what would happen.

What I am hearing is not as loud as it had been, but it is still there. I think it's too soon to say. In any case, I'm tired! I'm going to bed. :)

2008-09-17T09:51:00.004-07:00

Grieving over the past and worrying about the future is nothing but empty pondering. It takes you no where and does nothing for you.

Live in the moment.
Keep your attention in the moment.

2008-09-14T17:49:00.003-07:00

Church was good for me today, but difficult. It was hard to worship and take communion without considering how sinful I am. It is shameful to be so fickle and undisciplined in my relationship with Christ... And it was hard because I could feel that my outward appearance was being judged. But hearing the Word is worth it, and I am sure that I will continue going.

2008-09-12T13:40:00.006-07:00

I was driven this week into psychosis from stress.

It first began on Monday with a flash-back from being homeless. I heard voices talking around me. They represented the "Witches" (human beings in spirit) observing me. Their presence makes me feel spiritually hopeless. Evil becomes more real to me than good when this happens.

Then, the next couple of days, dealing with my ex's sudden change in personality, from himself being in... as his father put... his own little world. I know that he is experiencing psychosis of some sort. He did some very manipulative things to people that made me pretty sad. I told my mom about it and she said that is something someone mentally sick would do. Unfortunately he makes me so angry with things that I realized I would not be able to make the situation any better, and I decided that it is best to cut off the relationship entirely.

Also during those couple of days, I started to have visual hallucinations. There were of black shadows, and I saw a flash of my ex standing behind me in a reflection off something. It was a transparent image. I heard voices several times saying that my ex had committed suicide.

The next day I heard voices saying that my ex was creating a plan to kill me. Then I started feeling paranoid from posting personal information on a website. I saw everyone in the world, (that is not an exaggeration) as against me. They were trying to gather information to hurt me. This was last night. I tried praying to God but the voices started talking more and more, and I hallucinated about a golden trumpet being blown in heaven and finally it was so emotionally burdensome that I quit praying instantaneously and rested for a bit. I had to call the crisis line later and I told the counselor that I felt safe physically but in my mind I did not. I was afraid for my life. She asked me when the last time I was somewhere that made me feel safe. I replied that two days ago there had been a thunderstorm and hearing the thunder and the rain placed a strong peace inside of me. So, she asked me to describe it- and I did. Then she asked me to try and think of that to feel better. I did so and went to sleep, finally at rest and in peace.

Today, I woke up, and had to go to court. I had a debt that I borrowed in credit from a company when I was 19 and had never payed them back. While getting ready to go to court I fell into a strong depression, and started to believe that friends were against me and we're trying to get information out of me to hurt me. I tried hard for two hours, but I couldn't get my mind out of my paranoid delusion. I sat in court, my eyes blurring, controlled by my fears, and I talked to myself in my mind to try to snap out of it. Finally I repeated to myself several times, "Casting down lofty thoughts and every high thing under the obedience of Christ" I focused all my mind on this one sentence. I didn't focus on what I was thinking about, nor what else to think about... I just repeated those words. The fog didn't lift right away, but as my mind went to it's breaking point, I suddenly snapped out of it and was..actually...cheerful!

Mom mentioned that we had been waiting awhile for the preliminary hearing, so I went up to ask and the lady at the window told me that the plaintiff failed to appear. We wrote and mailed a request for dismissal.

Before mom and I went to the court, she asked God specifically for this to happen. The lady at the window told us that it was very rare for this to happen.

Do not be afraid to ask specific request from God. They strengthen your faith, when he is merciful and answers.

2008-09-10T12:37:00.003-07:00

Recalling the abuse endured while in
(this particular city)
makes me cringe,
makes me hallucinate terribly-

I can't think on these memories without feeling spiritually crippled, hopeless, and afraid,
(re-living that exact moment)
and I think that I could very well relate this city and these happenings with the "end times".

This morning before I awoke, I dreamed several times that I was being chased by a Lion.

2008-09-08T20:11:00.004-07:00

My minds gaze, while listening to a stringed quartet, is caught upon a stem of white blossoms.